Friday January 14th

 I am not sure if I am caught up in a case of " the sky is falling " or Covid is really taking its toll. I am fully vaccinated for what that's worth as a couple in the neighborhood recently died from covid and were fully vaccinated. So here goes on house arrest when not committing a crime. I have been a caretaker for more years than I care to mention. Though the sympathy is always on the person disabled and not the person whose life is disrupted while caring for them. This is my misery End stage Copd is a disease that no one would wish on their worst enemy. Though pretty much in lock down before the Covid Virus took place it has been worse yet since Dr. Appts have become an online event. I could write a blog on all the effects on the covid patient but at the moment I am focused on self-survival. It is a mix between house arrest, cabin fever and hell. Weight gain, anxiety, stress, loneliness, one's own failing health and not letting the media, news channels and online sights control and aggravate the overwhelming effects of living through a pandemic while caretaking. This is the inevitable chapter of life that comes with being oh dare I say it a " Senior Citizen," I am usually an optimistic person but that is being put to a test that is for sure. I have been at the bed side of an ill partner longer than most people have been married. I have heard the dreaded he won't pull through the night from doctors more times than I care to admit. Quality life has come up several times. That seem pretty clear cut when he has the first episode of respiratory failure. Rushed to the hospital by ambulance and in complete heart failure. The doctors pulled me aside and said, "we want you to know he was gone, and we brought him back." " We don't know if there is any brain damage or if he will be able to function." In the ICU they looked for signs if he could move his toes upon request. At that point I knew that the brain is much more important than the heart because without it , the ability to talk, comprehend and enjoy some aspects of life are gone.  This takes me to the current moment. It is Friday due to covid I am no longer holding even a part time job. I put away my holiday decorations. I decorated to keep my spirits up for Christmas as I took each ornament off the tree and wrapped them to keep safe for another year. wondered would I make another year?